Biatch....

Sometimes i was thinking...in this world, there are full with different types of people..the most common type of people which is bitch...how come in our life there are full with this kind of people...hate them much..fake in front of the people..keep on hurting people..a person's sadness will be her happiness..how can she do this to her...i was wondering wut did she think...during dinner time...sharmen hide herself inside her room..evyone thought that she was busy studying so do i...end up bird told us that she heard that chris is in anger mode talking to her..i was wondering what had happened again..izzit this is relate to that bitch..which causes them quarrel or wut..that moment 3 of use were silent all the while, only concentrate on having our dinner..when v are finished our dinner, chris was walking in wit a smiling faces however sharmen's face was red like a tomato..and her eyes was red..i was wondering whether she was crying jus now...but i looked back on chris..i felt weird..cos she was like normal..do not have any symdom showed that they are in a war..after she went back..sharmen told us wut happened...again and again...that bitch..i hate her...doing all those idiot's things...she was soo naif in her thinking...thought that she can control her...although she is successful now ...she had to listen to her, and folow on her wants..why??this type of people like to pretend like a friendly person in front of people however at the back her face totally turn up to another type of person...gosh...she was being suffered on it..all of us couldn't do anything...felt upset for her..sometimes when i think back, this might not be related to other people..is chris..being afraid when facing her...becos of something else that she needs to rely on her...izzit becos of this, she ned to be control by her...as a fren, when i saw this, i felt very upset especially when i got nothing i can do in order to help her...that bitch's attitude is being damn weird...v notice that, she felt very happy when she saw that chris being worried on her...damn it..wut kind of person is this...how can she can be like that...bitch..being soo selfish to other ppl...damn her...becos of her, there are too many quarrel among us...stop it!!! she is being soo dependent on her...stick with her 24 hours...much more sticky than super glu...just like the way gf treat bf...damn disgusting....i felt soooo disgusting...damn it....stop it right now!!!

sweet + blurr + frighten

What a good slep for yesterday nite...finally im willing to call him "dear"..im not sure whether this is a good thing or not...on that moment, i do felt very sweet when he called me or when i called him..end up today..when i think back, do v move too fast until that stage...this question keep on surrounding my mind...yes or no??i reli duno...may be me myself felt in 2 ways..sumtimes i do felt good sumtimes im not..how can?the process moving too fast might not be a good thing...sumtimes when i think back wut did sharmen told me, is correct. she said i shoud use time to evaluate a person..time is essential to a relationship.it is possible for us to understand a person's attitude and behaviour...im totally agree with her...i just wondering sumtimes i do have another thought that i wish to be wit him now...BUT...this step couldn't move forward..cos i still remember the past incident...the main failure in this incident is that i refuse to listen to her advises..for now, i will remember my past mistake that made, i need to use time to evaluate a person...shouldn't be rush on this relationship..i should use time to "plant" this relationship so that it will not easily get spoiled..
wow...after a sweet dreams..evything should be going fine...something that is horrible happened to me...there was a insane guy knocked my door, who looking for hc..gosh..how stupid i am til i opened the door and talk soo much with him..he kep on persuade me to let him come in...i refuse..that moment i notice that he is not and ordinary person but a problematic people...after hm told me that that fella is an insane guy...gosh..im soo scare..the main reason is becos im lonely at home..i was afraid til couldn't let myself step out my door...keep on calling frens for help..who knows, nobody answer my call...seems like evyone is disappear at the moment..keep on and keep on calling..luckily im able to get thru chin loong...he is willing to come over to fetch me...wut a lucky....another lucky thing is he is not around when i went out...later, i told pc evything...she asked me 1 question..."did u tell him about wut u had happened to u" i answered him quickily by i will tell him tonite...i was wondering, am i telling lies...at that moment, i wish to tell him evything..end up, no msg was sent out to him...i duno why...sumtimes i wish to tell him evything that happen to me at the first time it happened..sumtimes i will stop doing this..i also duno why..am i hate being so dependent or i wish to stay 1 step far from him or at this stage of our relationship im not require to report evything to him at the first time...gosh...i duno ...evything seems blurr in my mind..or i choose to avoid knowing it..i really don't know..pc did asked me whether wana go over sheffield with her..in my mind, there is really a thought that i wish i can go over to visit him but i was afraid to be suddenly soo close wit him...i hate being our relationship being too fast and furious...end up, i choose cambridge trip...wutever..evything just let it be....let it be....

bad day + pressure

what a excited and surprise day...results release today..totally dun have much time to get ready on this..queueing up on meeting mr colin, is just a prisoner waiting for his punishment ..this kind of feeling is not good at all..after knowing bout my results, i was like totally collapse and unaccpetable...sumthing like couldn't accept the terrible results that i get...i didn't cry at all..but i was just kep on smiling on them..i felt like im collapse and crazy til i couldn't accept it is truth..i couldn't accept that i can get this kind of results..this is the onli subject that i expect i can gain a higher marks.. but too bad i couldn't..i hate myself...hate myself soo much...til i wana kill myself....how can such an idiot still being staying alive in this world..i hate evything...i was wondering so much effort i have been put on it....expected that i at least i can get a better results that the previous..i swear i really know how to do..i swear..i did put effort on it..i reli know how to answer both of the questions..why?why?why? pls tell me why ?how come my effort couldn't be show up on my results..i thought that i can cry out..may be this will be a way to release out my painful...too bad, not even a drop of tears are falling down..it is damn suffer..im soo suffer..thought that i'll be fine after a while...unluckily, after a chat wit kor kor, evything is still remain the same..the problem is still there..how much pressure he is giving me...forcing me to be in the status of high distinction..how come he couldn't view from my view point..kor, im being soo suffer when i get my results, i dun even dare to tell to them..i knew that im letting them down of being not trying my best and keep on playing around..daddy, mummy...i swear..during exam time i swear i reli did study, i didn't fool and play around...i didn't..u mus trust me...i felt soo much pressure now...duno wut can i do now...the moment that i receive my results, it seems like all my efforts is just like fading away...why???how come all those unlucky things are still surrounding me...i thought after my cfm cases and barry ...evything will be turn out...unluckily, it didn't...it is still there...im soo much suffer now...even if i tell hormei they all, nth much will changes...they will just said that nvm lar, try again...i knew that they are concern about me aso..i reli knew it..but it didn't work out....at that moment, evything is turning good..the moment when i was alone..i was like wana cry....felt that im soo much useless..soo much pressure on me now..next week are going to have exam again...i know nth about this sub...this feeling is not good at all..im soo much fear on it..much more fear on the prev 2...pls tell me ...how to release all those pressure that i have now..soooo much pressure...all i can do is to write down evything in here..to release it out..at least, i can release it out, if not im going to burst out...explode...i hate it....i knew that im soo much anger today...those fooling from vince...im totally fuck up...normally, i won't have soo much anger...today, i can't control at all...i just don't bother whether he is vince or xw...i just dun care...i hate being fool when i was not in a mood...i knew that they might not know how much anger i have now...shud not blame them at all..gosh...im soo much blurr now...damn it!!!!

hurting you...

after back from the london..there has been 2 days didn't chat with him..thinking that the day that i cum bk can hav a nice chat wit him..but too bad...my internet connection have some problem...til i couldn't online..msg him and tell him wut happen to me...after the msg that i send out..suddenly i receive a call from him, i was totally shocked and felt happy..never think that he will call me ..haha..cos he is sooo kedekut...thru the way that he speak i knew that he was worried on me on my sickness..i felt very warm on his concern to me...reli warm and hav a nice slep that nite...things are cuming again..he msg in the morning..he told me that he wish he can be there to take care of me...wow..i was totally very happy and felt very warm..i wish i see him at that moment, but i know i can't...sometimes, i felt that i was soo cruel that i hurt him for thousand and thousand times...i felt very sory to him..i shouldn't be soo naif and misuse my innocent to hurt him..although he told me that he didn't mind..but there must be a worn in his heart..im soo sory to him..i shouldn't make him happy at a moment and push him down to to deep well again..im soo cruel..i hate myself for being so cruel...i hate me...how can i can hurt him much...i wish i can be with him right now..but i can't..i know i can't....i reli can't..i promise i won't hurt him anymore..this is the onli thing i can gif u which is the promise of not letting him hurt becos of me and down becos of me..this is the onli thing i can gif to u....

LOndOn Trip

wow..just came back from london...totally tired and exhausted until now onli have the time and energy to write down a blog...wut can i say about london..first of all, before going to london..this place is so much attractive to me and it will be a nice place to stay and work on..i do have a thought on living over there after graduate...now my dream is totally spoil..london is not as good as i think...totally out of my expectation...it is a worse place i ever go in terms on the environment, the weather, the people..wut i can see when i first step out from the train station which is almost each of the people over there was holding a cigarrettes..it makes the whole place like a smoky place...full with smoke..smth like the chinese temple...the first image was totally spoil...besides, the tube that i rode..is terrible as well...may be it is becos of few feet underground, when i got down, i was like couldn't breath at all..wut i can get is smelly, smoky, dirty and complicated..there was onli 1 word to explain which is terrible...how can such a good place will be like that..the image totally spoil..one of the thing that i like the most is when the time i was inside the london eye and tower bridge..the feeling is like couldn't explain how much happiness i have when i was there...it was a nice scenary especially the ride on london eye..i think i will never ever forget this wonderful experience that i had..and it may be the only chance that i can ride on it ...once in a lifetime...good experience..during this trip..there was soo much problems occur among us...complicated and hardly to explain..this may be one of the person's prob or 2 person's problem..i really duno...there will be a europe trip coming on..hope that this problem can be settle as soon as possible...if not...out europe trip will be surrounding by sadness..as a fren, i think i ned to to tok to her..i reli dun wan to make her unhappy becos of her...hate being facing this kind of ppl who treated my fren like this...this kind of ppl who misuse their kindness or wut i can say is innocent to hurt ppl...sumtimes i was wondering how can we can meet so much of this kind of ppl within the few years..this is wut v say is when ppl grew elder...the problem that v faced are much complicated....

Birmingham

Wut a tiring day after a day trip to birmingham..nothing much special besides cadbury world..it was a fantastic and interesting place..when the time v go down from the train station, v notice that evywhere also surrounding by smth that are related to cadbury..is a fantastic place...full with many chocolate....whole day stomach are full with chocolate...too sweet edi...the most suffer for the day is the journey to birmingham and return baack from there..i feel like going to hell..terrible...suffer til i wana vomit edi...duno issit is becos the bus prob or my own self prob...ever since toking to him, evyday i onli slep for couple of hours onli..totally not enuf for me...wut to do??evytime promise to hang up the phone on 2...definately couldn't do so...not willing to hang up the phone..izzit becos of too missing on him...sometimes, i reli dun understand to myself..wut am i thinking now...am i too selfish on treating him...onli think about myself without concern about him..i reli duno whether i reli fall in love wit him or jus becos of he likes me onli turn up to i fall in love with..i was afraid im like previous incident that i had...if im thinking for the same way..this is totally unfair to him and me as well...i need to make a choice in order to be fair evyone..the choice shouldn't make in this moment...i reli ned time on it...sriously i reli look forward on evynite on the time that im chatting wit him..although the time might be short...but im reli appreciate for the time of chatting wit him..most of the time, im thinking about him...especially when i didn't see him online or got no idea where is he going...i will start to worry and think about him...thru this way..is it that i reli fall for him..this kind of strong feeling is i never had before...

stim...

What a stim day...this whole day im so stim...like very blurr...most probably is becos of i slep at almost 7am...gosh...really break the genious world record...gosh...til whole day blurr...i dreamt a special dream...i dreamt about him...this is the very first time ler...weird...but it was a special dream...and it was the first time...today for the whole day i was study study study....charm...pity me...after yesterday letting him know everything...i felt very embarrass...but i did tell him that i miss him soo much.....couldn't stop thinking about him for everyday...oh gosh....am i falling in love again???do i???seriously..i did miss him much..i wish to see him...but too bad...i can't...v are far from each other....may be is becos of the far distance between us..our relationship is becoming better and better....and become stronger and stronger...actuali i shud not write anything in this blog since it has been letting other ppl go in edi...but i guess him he was stupid ..so i think he won think that i will be login again to write anything else inside...hehe....hope what i guess is correct...hehe...hope he won login again...hehe...so that he won know anything that i didn't wish to hide from him....

stressful...

Something extraordinary thing happened last night while im busy studying...just heard siew wah told me that something serious happened in pohchun's house..i was worried on her when i found out she din reply me in msn so i decided to call her and ask her what had happened..through listening to her voice, i can hear that soo much fear that she had for last night...the stranger was going in their house..til each of them were frightened til dropping tears...i can understand how much fear that they had during that time...after i heard it, im shocked..and felt very scary....how come such things can be happened...in my mind i know that jia feng's fault cos he is the one who bring him back to their house but i knew that he is regret on what had happened today so i dare not mention a single word on blaming on him...after this incident, v shud be extra careful on it...today i heard jenn rong told me that he had bought a special gift for me..no matter how much pressure i giv him, he still refuse to say a single word on wha the bought for me...end up..i still know bout it after forcing by me...is quite a special gift...but a bit weird..is a gift that totally out of expectation...anyway..i will appreciate the gift that he bought for me..after i knew about the incident that happened on pc, i had a thought that he is first person that i had in my mind and i wish to tell him..i wan to let him know what had happened here...i really duno that what kind of feeling is that?and i really dun wan to think about it now...am i get the ans edi or im trying to avoid on thinking about it??i really duno...really duno what i want now..i got a feeling that im wasting his time on waiting for me...am i too cruel??yesterday nite he keep on asking to sms him when i felt bored or any special thing happen...but i didn't send a single sms to him til i receive his msg..i felt very warm and notice that he is still concern on me even if he is on a trip...i reli felt hapy about that...although the msg didn't contain any special...those caring words that he type was warming my heart....is truth....i was accidently burst out that i got a habit on writting blog..i got no idea why he is soo curious on knowing what i wrote inside...may be he think that there mus be some feeling that i wrote inside that is regarding on him...i was afriad that he get it and notice that he should not read it...those feeling that i wrote are mainly on barry not him....i was afraid it will harm him again..i really dun wan to harm him anymore...beside him, one moer thing that harm me alot which is my studies..duno why, i got a strong feeling that i felt very stressful...stress til im going to drop out my tears...i felt very stress...that kind of feeling is hardly to explain in wording....the kind of feeling that i never had before...i was afraid to have it.....really afraid...

the day after black friday

Now is already 4.07am in the morning, i just finished chatting with him. What should i said, talking to him everyday is becoming a habit which i need to do for everyday.non of the day is exeption although either one of us was busy on something. Even if either one of us was on time, another one of us will wait for others.guess what? the longest hours that i have been waiting for him is 4 hours..which was the day i was back from blackpool.all of this occured is because of his beloved friend who purposely fool us of not letting us chatting with each other..luckily his plan was not successfully, end up v are able to chat with each other. i still remember that day v had chat til 6smth in the morning..v are crazy!!!this is my first time of being so crazy.It's been really a long time i did nto drop by to left down a blog..just wondering today there was a mood for me to left down something over here..may be recently, i was so busy on my stuffs or lazy on writting all those feeling down here..erm...ever since i came to uk, it was just like a brand new environment and my life is being enlightened..i couldn't remember since when i was chitting with him and there was a question surrounding on my mind that when was he fell in love with me..everything is just like a question mark for me..i admit,all the while, he got a good impression for me, quiet and nice guy..good in study..he was just like a person which are totally different from barry.what i couldn't get from barry, i can get them from him..flash back on think back, i think everything is just happened yestereday. i still remember i was always waiting for him to online when i was in ipoh..but i just couldn't get him online..it was just like a fate...v have been chatting for many times when v are online...v have been chatting for many things from him to her...i think it was the time that i had a good feeling on him til everyday when im online, my mind will think about whether he will online???i never think that he had the same feeling as me..i was glad when he told me..the feeling is grow is when i receive his msg in friendster when i reach uk..although the msg is nth much, i just feel warm n glad that he remember me..this is out of my expectation. I didn't think much at the moment til his msg coming when he got free sms..and even he called me, til that time only i noticed he fell in love..i really felt happy when i knew about that..about me?what is my feeling on him??seriously til no wi still duno..canot say that i didn't like him nor like him..It is just in the middle of it..the past incident that i had are giving a great impact on me til now i still couldn't let it go..and i found out i was afraid of giving commitment to anyone else..i was really afraid, i was afraid til i rather hurt people than i was hurt.i knew that i had been hurting him little by little..although he didn't say anything, i just knew it..he was trying to protect me and share my problem..i knew that he didn't feel good aso especially i told him that i felt ng kum yuan...these words are just like a knife cutting in the heart...If all the past incident that lies with me are still hanging on, there shall be no such day that v can be together. and first of all, i really need to ensure that im really fall on him then only im able to make a move, but this move is kinda hard to step out..each of his friend are so excited about our relationship til i felt happy for them as well but not for myself..what i was afraid is i scare everything will just like a life cycle, after the recovery process, everything will continue again, i couldn;t stand for it anymore if there is a second chance..but another part of me have a feeling that he is not thet kind of person that i think of, he is much more better than that fella...sometimes, i was just like standing on the middle and couldn't make out my mind..i wish to use these 3 months for me to critically evaluate what kind of person he is..sometimes, he is just like don't want to care everything, or what i can say is not enuf caring i can get from him, not much...til i will suspect the things that he did is just a dream or truth..pls pls pls..im really in the middle of it..how much all the bad thing are still surrounding my mind...i want to wipe them off!!!hate it!!!He is being so kind of listening to me when im talking about barry..he didn't even say a word, just listen and support me...and i didn't notice i did hurt him as well..am i too selfifh of getting hurt til i became the person who hurt people...xiau weng, seriously, i didn't wish to let u wait for me, i really need time,..i found out i really don;t know what i want, one part of me is couldn't let everything go however the other part of me will be missing him everyday..gosh..what happen to me????being soo blurr on everything..Time is so much import ant for me now!! I need it !!!!

new env

it's been a long long time did not stop by and put down a blog..may be previously is busy on things for going to uk..finali im here..nth much..the weather here is cold...the ppl here are friendly...i like it..may be im bias on those malay ppl in malaysia..bored of seeing them...evything is jus llike brand new things to me..culture, home, uni and ppl that walk around..smth that is new to me..a new environment..i was wondering i can put down evything that i care in malaysia, actuali im not...pass few days see those pic of both of them..my mood is turning down suddenly...i got no idea why i still couldnt let it go..im not missing him is jus that i blame myself how can i can be with this kind of ppl who said that luv me much, when turn back, hugging another girl right after v break up...i was afraid on starting a new relationship..at this moment, he is cuming in to my life...v have been starting to msn chatting with each other...may be both of us also going to uk, hav the same topic to each other..reach here, start to hav sms chat since last sat...thru the way he sms me, i feel that he got feel on me..im not sure this is correct or wrong...jus smth like very caring sms which can warm a person's heart..finalli many ppl knew it til hormei n bobo also knew it..i didnt wan to put too many on it cos i was afraid wut i see now is not wut i think..he is caring person and very shy when talking to girls..silent..not much words...is a good guy...but nth i can say now...jus wait n see how was it laa..i think til this sat onli i will kno it...

a sudden moody...

I know that v shud not see things that are surface..v still do so?why?this is human...i saw sumthing on a gal's site in frenster..i saw a pic that taken wit him n her..n it is a close to each other...the caption wrote it as hav faith wt him..i was totally blank mind...i thought im edi ok wit that ..why? now onli i notice..the reason that cause our break up is her..although he din mention anything...but i think it is the reason...i kno all of this jus my thought, n may be they are jus frens..but i reli couldnt accept that...i can accept that he broke wit me is becos of other reason..but if the reason is 3rd party..im totally cant accept it...why?why he wan to choose me..i cant stand wit all of this..im serious on a relationship n not a fool...may be an early break up is better for me..at least i know that he is this type of person...i shud be happy on it..since i haven totally fall on it ..moody or sadness may be jus a moment..if a mistake occur continuously..it may be a deep hurt forever...

fan fan fan...

It's been a few days i din touch my notebook edi..the computer super slow jus like a turtle walking..hate it..i wish i can get a new 1 but too bad..i onli can get it when i earn my own money..these few days quite many things happened..he came n return all the stuffs to me edi..i refuse to get his help from him n i also return his money back to him, the time when i return back to him, he was shocked..may be he couldnt expect i will pay him back ...finally evything is closed file edi...its time to wipe evything off edi..sumtimes i felt that how can each of them soo selfish..when going to take responsibility to do smth, why they want to use busy to push them away n push here n there..this incident make my parents suffer a lot..evything push it to them to do it...how can?each of them shud be resposibility to their part..selfish.. i hate them..too bad.. i couldnt say a single word, onli can express it to sis..n my little bloggie...haiz..luckily this case is completely settle by mao kai cum to fetch grandma go to his house..luckily..if not dad confirm will be totally exhausted...exam is approaching edi..although im almost complete edi but still felt very tension on it...since this is the last chance for me...i didnt wish to aim high, onli it can make me enuf to go to uk n attend may's convo..is more than enuf for me edi..yesterday suddenly receive a good news from pc..knew that if i pass, i can attend may;s convo..im happy til speechless edi..this time i ned to put extra effort on it..couldnt fell again..

April 14 - 12.12am

Today jus came back from kl..totally tired n exhausted..becum kuli today..haha..shifting all my stuffs back to ipoh..now the house is full wit my stuffs..quite messy actuali..hehe..this few days..there are quite many things happened..sum of them are bad news also..yesterday suddenly receive a call from a unknown num..when i ans the call notice that it was chris..she told me she couldnt contact her so she asked me to contact her n told her not to tell her bro n sis that her grandma was passed away..when i listened it, i was totally shocked wit that..i was wondering wut happened actuali..i still remembered before that i still take a visit to her new house n chat wit her grandma..how can evything happen soo suddenly..may be in a superstitious way to say, this year is not a good year..seems like there are many bad news listened from evywhere of diffrent types of incident...sumtimes i was wondering, life could be miserable n unpredictable, we couldnt predict wut will happen for the next second, so v shud appreciate those ppl that are still around so that v won be regret..this is wut i told myself always..besides, today my sis told me that mom was asking her about why i broke up so suddenly..i knew that mom is quite worried about me but she didnt mention a single word in front of me..even me also dun dare to mention anything to her..sis totally cant accept i edi broke up so do evyone beside me..evyone thought that i was jus having cooling time wit him...nobody knew that how much tears i had dropped to recover back this relationship..but too bad..i couldnt make it..now when i think back, i shud felt appreciate wit that, actuali he is not as good as the one to be mine..may be all the while v are jus forcing each other to suit wit each of us...now is 12.12am..for april14..wut shud i said..today shud be our 4 months anniversary but now turn out to break up for 12 days..wut the fuck..wut a totally upside down change..big changes to me..

troublesome

wow...jus cum back from kl yesterday..tired like hell.slep like a pig yesterday..may be too tired edi til whole din move at all..now my right hand painful edi..charm...yesterday i met eugene..i told him evything...guess wut, he asked me to forget about him..terrible peopls shud not miss him edi...i agree wit him..sumtimes, im thinking..wut if he reli got smth hide from me or do smth for my own good which makes him to break up wit me..will i be wit him again..the ans is no...he shud not easily giv up on our relationship which is hard to built up, he dare to destroy it at 1 time..i bet he won understand how much painful i had..i swear i won accept him 1 more time...haizz..wana move edi...ned to go back kl tomolo again..sien...during exam still ned to cum back...ned to stay over sis there..troublesome me ..far from my college...ned to go back to do soo much things in may..summore damn the office couldnt do evything efficiently ....troublesome me which make me cant do many things..beside the terrible owner is another person who troublesome me...wana inspect the house..n i ned to go back again..how can i do so much things at 1 time...i wish i can drive n hav a car..at least it won be troublesome for me...haizz...people grow up..there will be many probs..i wish im still a kid..at least no ned to think soo many things n make decision...i hate it....

DaY 3...

wut a hot and sunny day...its been 3 days in a row i din study at all..today i bougth 2 mag from a book store sat in the living room for a couple of hours til late aftanoon..not much things happen..today i jus told binn weng about him..he was damn shocked about that...n kep on asking wut happen , why evything happen soo suddenly...i told him evything..he relieve me and said that today let me to express evything to him woo..felt quite warm..this old buddy reli very caring..hehe..afta this incident, i reli felt that frens are important..bf are not everything..bf or even husband is not guarantee for future but frens are forever n ever...haiz..no thinking about him laa..2ml ned to go back kl lonely taking bus..its been a long time din take lrt n go pudu..pity laa..haiz...

DaY 2...

erm..today is the second day i ned to wake up at 6smth to folow my dad to pray my greatgrandmother...very sleepy le..ned to wake up at 6..long time din do that edi..a bit suffer..these 2 days i din even open my book..hehe..treat it as a 2 days holiday for myself..not much things happen for today..yesterday nite..pooiyee msg me..i knew that she mus be worried me so much but too bad..i cant meet her..i miss her soo much..cant wait to tell her evything..her msg did gif me soo support n felt touching, a feeling of warm..pooiyee thanks soo much...always be there for me when i ned ur support..jusnow hav a small chat wit hormei as well..did mention about our way to uk..there are too many things for me to do..i will be the busiest person in this 2 months..haha..too much things ned to handle..cant separate myself also..we did mention about him as well when i told her that if possible i wish to work in uk..when im wit him, i did think about it before, but im too innocent n naif..think about him, so i decided to work in kl n promise him i will cum back..but now evything is change, no ned to think about any person..wut i ned to think is for myself..recently, onli i think about this prob..i did asked my parents, they felt very happy n wish me to work there if i can get a job at there..i wish to work there as well..from the surface, it seems like i reli think about my career...ya..half of it..another half is i wish to go far away from him...a place without anything that relate to him n make me think about it..quite suffer.. a little tiny thing that relate to him, i felt unhappy as well..such as a spectra car, a movie, a bear, a tv show, food,ring, white roses and many many things...how can i able to forget him that easy..although onli 3 months, but he is my first love..now onli i realise why many people said that first love are hard to forget, now i knew it..i tested it..it didnt sound good..but worst..i told bro edi..although he din ask much things..but i think inside his mind will think about it..cos he is the only guy i bring back to our house..haizz..seems like this will make them think that im fooling in love, n playing around..i swear im not..if i din love him, i will begin wit him but it sounds like it suit the lyrics from "say goodbye"- "when i begin wit u, after all we have been thru, I dun think it will be right if we get together so suddenly..." it seems like mention about us...the time when i start listen to this song i love it soo much,, i still remember hormei said that im soo happy now, this situation not happen to me..who knows, it reli happen..he said goodbye and didnt seems he wana try...

DaY 1...

Today is the first day i sign up for the account of the blog..wut makes me has this kind of idea..may be recently too many things happened in my life..couldnt breathe at all..tears is dropping for many times..many advises are listened from many frens n even families seems it couldnt help me at all..may be this is the first time i fell..i felt very painful, lonely, sadness, heartbroken..thousands of words from my mouth couldnt come up..during that time. i saw them shopping for the stuffs on going out to overseas, only me, the only me still stepping at the same step, couldnt go as far as them..felt soo sad..i even used liquor to made me forget evything but it seems useless. i thought nobody will know my sadness but he did noticed..that time i really think that he is the only person who can understand me, who knows, the one who knows me soo much are the one who hurt me lots..the hurts that i had are more thousands cuts in my body...is bleeding..my heart was bleeding..because of some nonsenses, we are over...that time i felt like i lost evything..studies and him..made me seems like i lose everything..luckily she is beside me and support me all the time n help me to go thru my hard times...im reli appreciate her for evything that she did..thanks...i did promise to myself..i will never ever tuen back time even if he wishes to turn back..no such things should happen..i will not drop into that deep andblack hole again..all the things that he gave me seems meaningless to me...he did gv lots of memories to me but the sadness more than the happiness..sumtimes, in mind, there are a thought of thinking i wish i can turn back time, turn back to the time that i wish i never ever meet him..may be there will not be many hard times..nvm..it is over, this is wut i told myself for evyday..i used many things to forget him such as music..this is the only things to relieve me..without it, my mind will surrounding wit him...i believe i can go thru it...times are needed..there is still a long road for me to go thru..i shud go straight wit no turning back...cheerz st..i can do it!!!